I knew when I began this journey of re-entering the dating scene that I would be under great scrutiny. And I knew that for many the reaction would be, "That's too fast!" Why did I know this? Because sadly enough I had been on the other end. In times past I've watched on as someone has lost a spouse and then remarried within a short amount of time. I always thought it rather weird...until it happened to me. Though I never verbalized my thoughts, I have to say that I'm ashamed at how I rushed to judge someone before ever walking in their shoes.
For those who read my blog, I can't even begin to articulate the journey my heart has been dragged through over the last 11 months. The early pain and despair is unlike anything I've ever experienced. Yet on the other hand, it's impossible to describe the peace that I have; the peace that passes all understanding. To have loved someone with such intensity and then to be forced to do life without them is beyond difficult. But I can honestly say that I'm at peace with what has happened. Do I understand? No. Is this the way I way I dreamed it would go down? Certainly not. But I've come to this place in my life where I realize Amy is gone and she's never coming back. I know where she is and I plan on partying with her some day in glory. But for now, I know I must move forward.
All that being said, and considering where I've come from, I couldn't be happier. Jennifer has been so open to hearing about Amy. She wants to know about her. In fact, just last weekend we watched the slideshow from Amy's funeral...together. I told stories. She asked questions. It was so weird but so incredible healthy. Jennifer has been so gracious in that regards.
For all those who are concerned about my relationship and my future, please know that I have sought the Lord with all that I have. This week I spent some time re-reading some of my journal entries from 2006 and I was reminded (and relieved I might add) at how often I laid this entire situation before my God. I continue to believe Job 42:12.
To those who have encouraged me, both in person and via my blog, thank you. You will never know how much that means.
This journey has been so difficult. When I lost Amy, I knew I had everyone's support. I know today that not everyone is in my camp and that is tough to swallow. This whole process has served to remind me that I play to the audience of One. May desire is that he be pleased. If He is...I can handle the opposition.